HASHTAG CHRISTMAS IS COMING.
If the hundreds of people posting photos of their Christmas trees isn’t getting you in the festive spirit or you’ve bought a seriously lame advent calendar this year that doesn’t tickle your baubles, then read this.
These are allllll the things that epitomise Christmas and all it’s quirks.
And y’know, you should be ready for everything turkey and tinsel related once you reach the end:
1. The xmas advert competition. If it’s not animated animals it’s real animals on trampolines, all tugging on our heartstrings with their emotive storylines and iconic acoustic remakes of songs we all know so well. And let’s not forget the classic…’Holidays are coming…’ – cue peeing myself with excitement.
2. The best candles. Figgy pudding, gingerbread, roasted chestnuts & cinnamon scented; they all smell so good you wanna eat ’em. Although £20 for a candle does seem a bit steep. Money up in smoke, that is (Lols, I made a funny).
3. The light switch ons with all the z list celebs. Not sure who that is on stage with the big ol’ plunger but I’m gonna cheer and woop anyway because wahoo, lights. I think if you’re asked to do a small town light switch on as a ‘celeb’, your career is probably over and you should maybe retrain as a magician/light technician/dog walker.
4. Gift guide magazines. They make you think ‘well my dad’s never explicitly said he’d be into chess but this gift guide says that Dads love a chess board with game of thrones pieces so yup, present sorted’.
5. Christmas knitwear. The only time of year that it’s perfectly acceptable to wear a butt ugly jumper.
6. Starbucks/Costa Christmas cups. What the hell was that row about the design of them this year? Please people, don’t get into the politics of it all, just enjoy the good coffee and the Christmas cheer dammit.
7. The genre of film that is Christmas. I’m talking Home Alone, Elf and Jingle all the Way. Classics. Oh and Aurther Christmas, absolute genius. Go watch them all in one day & tell me you don’t feel that Christmas sparkle?
8. Crackers and their cheese jokes.
‘What did the cheese say to the mirror?’
Chuckle chuckle chuckle.
9. Mince pies & pigs in blankets. And I mean, I don’t eat sandwiches but according to Maxwell the Pret turkey and cranberry sandwich basically means the big fat man in red is on his way.
10. The excessive playing of Christmas tunes. Get ’em on repeat. Sing ’em loud for all to hear. The Pogues, a bit of Slade and don’t forget The Darkness. All time fave.
‘Christmas time, don’t let the bells ring’
(If you didn’t sing that in an insanely high voice in your head, go back and re-read)
11. The Argos catalogue. The old school way to shop at home before iPads. Back in the 90s, Christmas wasn’t Christmas unless I’d picked out 10 different Polly Pockets from the Argos catalogue for my list. The Dream Phone, the discman, Mr Frosty, the Spirograph, scalextric – rest in peace 90s toys.
12. Work parties. Don’t drink too much. Don’t say inappropriate things. Don’t photocopy your butt. But hey, happy holidays.
13. Insanely busy calendars. Planning your Christmas time like a ninja and seeing 15 different types of relatives in one day.
14. Advent calendars. And it’s not even just chocolate ones anymore, nah ah. You can get advent calendar treats for just about anything; make up, skin care, jewellery, puppies?
15. All the pop up ice skating rinks. Haven’t been on one yet? Go hunt one out & pretend you’re Torvill & Dean with bae.
16. Crowds. One piece of advice. Do not head to Westfield from mid December to mid January. It’s for your own personal safety and sanity.
17. Mulled wine. The stuff that tastes all warm and comforting like a cuppa and then bam you’re on your back drunk as a skunk. That’s the good stuff.
18. Libertys Christmas floor. If you haven’t shuffled your way around the 4th floor at Libertys yet with 1725 other people, in awe of all the Christmas decs that’ll cost you your whole left arm to buy, then who are you? (Me & Max bought baubles at the weekend and they are delightful)
19. Empty bank balances. Embrace it. It’s happening. Heck, go buy two more presents (one for aunt Miriam and one for yourself because you absolutely deserve it, you little babe)
20. Christmas decorations & tree hunting. Tinsel, baubles, lights, stars, fairies and big ass trees. It’s not big enough if you don’t have to cut the top off to get it in the house. Fact.
21. Catching up with family & friends. The best thing about this time of year is the excuse to see everyone you are especially fond of and spread the love (see below).
22. Love. Just so much of it at this time of year. Some of it in the genuine kinda way that doesn’t need words and some of it in the form of Michael Kors bags & pandora charms. Hashtag boy did good.
23. Panto. ‘Oh yes I did’. Gotta love a bit of pure cheese on stage at your local theatre. See point 3 about z list celebs.
24. Brussel Sprouts. You can all turn your noses up and pretend you hate ’em but come on; you can’t resist them fried off with a bit of bacon right? (Remind me to give this veggie a bit more love throughout the year. No vegetable should be restricted to just xmas eating, nope)
25. Snow. *CROSSING EVERYTHING SO DAM HARD*
I hope you’re now fully in the Christmas spirit and raring to go. If I missed anything, gimme a shout.
By the way, I just wrote that whole post on my commute to London – productive or what?
Happy hump day. I’m gonna go play with dogs again seeya.