14 THOUGHTS EVERYONE HAS WITH A HANGOVER

I like a good drink. I get that from my Mother.

I often choose to start the evening with bubbly prosecco, sipping like a pro and y’know, pretending I’m Blair Waldorf. I will then inevitably move onto the wine (Pinot, usually) and work my way through that until my heads a little woozy and the taste starts to get a bit irritating and heavy. Then I’ll finish off the night with the sweet taste of Disaronno on ice. The perfect tipple to finish an evening. I feel gangster as I sip away, the ice cubes clinking against my teeth.

If I’m really wise I’ll down a pint of water before bed.

I’ve had some proper awful hangovers in my time. So I thought I’d share some of those dreadful thoughts we all have when we wake up in the morning. That real life struggle.

1. JESUS CHRIST GIMME SOME WATER. Like fo’ real, my mouth feels like carpet/sandpaper/crocodile skin.

2. Oh FFS. What happened after my 6th wine last night? I hope I kept my clothes on. Can’t know for sure though. Why is my hair damp..?

3. Did I really bid £200 for Football  Cup Final tickets in the charity auction last night? (True story). Bloody hell Jade, you’re not Jay Z.  I’ll have to eat baked beans for the rest of the month now. Sigh.

4. If I only make small movements and keep my eyes closed, I’m far less likely to vom. I really need to AVOID vomming as I had tuna for dinner last night. PLEASE.DON’T.VOM.

5. Do you know what would make this whole situation seem perkier? A waffle sandwich. That will fix everything. Get me some potato waffle in bread ASAP. Carbs on carbs, solves all problems.

6. So clearly I took the unconventional route home last night. My heels are smothered in a crisp layer of mud. Good one, Jade.

7. Oh that’s great. I made 17 calls last night. To the same person. Jolly good. Standard, really. They probably see my name flash up on their phone at 3am and think ‘Oh that’s just ‘jolly drunk Jade’, ignore her’. Jeez.

8. I have death breath.

9. Oh wow, I was on form with the selfies last night. Note to self:- don’t try and look sexy at 2am after 3 jagerbombs. Not cool. And certainly not sexy. That lazy eye really is summin.

10. I have vague memories of ranting last night about communism and the fall of Hitler. I only had one shoe on.  Must avoid all communications with people for a solid week until I regain my dignity.

11. What’s this? A video on of me on instagram? Dancing? Holy hell. No wonder my hips feel broken. I should never thrust like that again.

12. Must have done a lot of crying last night. I look like I’ve been punched in the face. Twice. Hello puffy panda lady.

13. I should shower. I think the unusual smell of dead rodent is coming from my hair. Classy lady.

14. THIS IS THE WORST HANGOVER EVER. Sob. I am never drinking again. (Until next weekend, obvs).

 

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Have a good Friday night all – and remember that pint of water before bed.